We're All Just Waist-ing Away

Forget about all the classic Witch hunts that morally upright citizens have come to embrace as their own, in years past. Heavy Metal music, Violent Movies, and even Pornography pale in comparison to the real Anti-Christ that is plaguing today's youth.

Brace yourselves, as you just might be taken aback by the beast that is really responsible for the decline of Western Civilization. For all we know, every tragic event in our dear history might be interconnected to this in some sick, twisted, demented way.

Fall of Rome? Check.
Kennedy Assassination? Check
Violence In the Workplace? Check
Communism? Check
Grand Theft Auto vs. Jack Thompson? Check

You see, the underlying causes of each of these things are hardly obvious. In fact, you could say that the real killer lives among us all, in the "Devil Boxes" that broadcast their propaganda to the masses. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, as THIS article rightfully points out; the real enemy is food advertisements.

There, I've said it. Now you can let little Johnny and Bobby-Sue back into the room. Whatever you do, just make sure you keep tabs on their dinner plates. You never know what sort of sinister plans those folks in TV Land are cooking up next to destroy the Nuclear Family. I don't know for certain, but rumor has it that the next Grand Theft Auto sequel is going to have subliminal messages of Chef Boyardee, the Kool Aid Man, and Little Debbie taunting us in the background.

If that isn't enough, there's going to be vending machines and liquor stores on every street corner. You laugh now, but the Anti-Christ is going to hand out Twinkies and Ho Ho's to all, just before he obliterates our waistlines into eternal damnation. Don't say you haven't been warned.